Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Truly Letting Go
Funny thing happened to me as 2012 came to a close. I knew the world was not going to end, but I certainly did feel my internal structure change. If it's not going to assist in my flourishing, it's gone. I really felt a shift, starting around November. I suddenly, truly grasped the magnitude of releasing the past. I'm like anyone else on this path. I go through mental and emotional exercises to let my past go, to allow me to be more present, now. I also know I'm like anyone else, because if I haven't learned all I'm supposed to learn, it will come back, in some way.
Maybe I haven't truly forgiven everyone involved. Maybe I haven't been allowing back what I was truly meant to take with me; the wisdom. Maybe I'm addicted to the emotions and the feelings; usually because I don't want to deal with what's right in front of me. Maybe I know better, but I'm not doing better.
There are a multitude of reasons why the past is released, only to return. Regardless, eventually, if you allow the time to process, the past can be truly nonexistent in your present. You can be who you were truly meant to be, right now, without any part of what has already happened to you dictating what's happening in the present moment.
I had been struggling, for most of 2012, to truly be me; right here, right now. The me I have become is the result of so many learning experiences, resulting in the wisdom and growth needed to get me to where I am. Oddly, though, I felt my Self existing in two different worlds. Feeling this way is a natural part of transitioning, but I had been feeling this way for too long. I was who I was and for the longest time, being my evolved, wiser Self also meant coexisting with this "aftermath" of all the letting go. This was new for me. I honestly didn't remember any of my mentors and growth teachers ever mentioning this.
I thought I HAD moved on. Behaviors had been modified, relationships had changed and I had changed. Well, I had, but the newness needed to become the dominant state of being long enough for it to feel normal. The newness needed to feel truly comfortable and truly be a part of my Self before I was REALLY ready to let those little bits and pieces of the past go. The little bits that had defined who I was; the habits, the thoughts, ways of being, etc. I had been holding on to (my Ego had been holding on to) these slivers so that I'd feel solid on some level.
It's been quite marvelous, actually. The day arrives, when you have really moved on. When you are no longer the person who was shaped by the events you are trying to release. When you are someone new, completely unencumbered by the past. When wisdom is all that is left from who you used to be, and nothing more.
This is when you have truly let go and surrendered.
I felt like I was removing a heavy coat I didn't realize I'd been wearing for years. More than just "cleaning house", I found that I was able to let go of so many things that I didn't realize weren't needed anymore. I blocked people from my Facebook news feed, I left a Facebook group I'd been a part of for years, what I valued began to change, what I was willing to accept in my personal space changed, my focus changed and whatever didn't fit, got pitched. I've been through all this before. Several times, in fact, but never to this extent. Years of work finally came to a head and a true transformation was achieved.